📝 usncan Note: Three Counterintuitive Behaviors Of Emotionally Intelligent People
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One of the most common reasons people train emotional intelligence is to teach people how to “manage their anger.”
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Perhaps the most common misconception about emotional intelligence is that it’s a matter of “being nice.” This sentiment comes across in all manner of ways:
- “I just feel like my role is about practicing sound science [or insert any other technical skill], not about people skills,” implying that EQ is at odds with your ability to practice sound science.
- “I’m sure I would have never had that conflict if I were you,” implying that EQ is about avoiding conflict or sacrificing your own needs to make the other person happy.
- “My personality is too dominant to be emotionally intelligent,” implying that certain personality traits are at odds with emotional intelligence.
All of these statements boil down to the same problem: They assume that emotional intelligence is first and foremost about “being accommodating to win people over,” when it’s really about understanding and navigating emotions to be effective. That means practicing sound science, building strong relationships with healthy boundaries, and even being blunt and dominant when the moment calls for it.
To help you establish more nuance in your definition of emotional intelligence, this article highlights four behaviors of emotionally intelligent people that you might think of as counterintuitive.
Behavior #1: Hold Silence Strategically
Acting to eternally please others stands at stark odds with “being effective.” One of the most common symptoms of people pleasing is the constant need to keep conversations flowing. We’re compelled to nod along, speak affirmatively, and fill gaps in conversations. But research across multiple industries shows that a “silent pause” tends to be much more effective for three key reasons:
- It Disrupts Reflexive Thinking: An MIT study found that a 3–10 second moment of silence during a negotiation disrupts reflexive thinking and negotiation and actually yields deals that are more beneficial to both parties.
- It Induces Creative Thinking and Inclusivity: One study looked at five years worth of video footage of teachers. They found that the average teacher waited one second before calling on someone. When expanding that time to just 3–5 seconds, responses were more articulate and creative. And more quiet students were significantly more likely to respond.
- It Prevents Mistakes: Physicians who didn’t interrupt their patients spent just six seconds longer with their patients on average. And, the lack of interruption equated to more in-depth agendas and a significant dip in late-arising health concerns.
Behavior #2: Prioritize Your Message’s Honesty Over How It Makes You Look
In a highly vulnerable and relatable article, Eddie Schleyner wrote this week about his regret from the time his friend asked him to give a best man speech: “I wish I’d told him, directly and plainly, who he’s shown himself to be. But I didn’t. Instead I did too much, tried to be clever, muddied the message, and missed a rare opportunity, a chance to communicate what the room really needed to hear: how my friend would act as a husband and father.”
This, in essence, is our second counterintuitive emotional intelligence strategy: Prioritizing the honesty of your message above all else. As Schleyner puts it, “If you’re saying something that someone really needs to hear, it doesn’t matter how you say it, so much as just saying it.” Other ways this might show up:
- Saying, “I really want to ask you how you’re doing,” to potentially open up a conversation with a friend going through a tough time.
- Taking the time to tell someone you care, even if you bungle what you’re saying. To quote Maya Angelou, they’ll remember how you made them feel, not what you say.
- Asking for help when you need it, instead of worrying that you’ll look weak or unstable.
Behavior #3: Channel Anger for Improved Performance
Hands down, one of the most common reasons people train emotional intelligence is to teach people how to “manage their anger.” Fed up with outbursts, lashing out, and passive aggression, they turn to emotional intelligence. And the most common strategies focus on helping yourself calm down – “Take deep breaths, meditate, and sleep on it.” But for those who are more or less good at regulating their anger, there’s a more advanced strategy: Channeling your anger to increase performance.
The research shows that anger channeling in a constructive way is a surprisingly effective strategy. That said, it’s by no means an easy technique to master. As Aristotle wrote some 2400 years ago: “Anyone can become angry —that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way—this is not easy.” Intentional anger has been shown to increase persistence, focus, and action-taking.
The Quiet, The Candid, and The Controlled: Three EQ Strategies to Apply Now
Pause so others can think. Say the necessary thing. Channel anger into resolve. Practice these three strategies this week and watch your performance compound.
Kevin Kruse is the Founder + CEO of LEADx, an emotional intelligence training company. Kevin is also a New York Times bestselling author. His latest book is Emotional Intelligence: 52 Strategies to Build Strong Relationships, Increase Resilience, and Achieve Your Goals.
